


F.A.I.N.T

by WorriedEye



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Complete, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-25 01:04:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4940734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorriedEye/pseuds/WorriedEye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was originally a Boosh Battle prompt entry but I thought I’d tidy it up a little bit and pop it over here.  It’s just a silly little fluffy thing...</p>
            </blockquote>





	F.A.I.N.T

As Vince slowly came to he realised there was a pair of lips pressed tight to his. Not soft lips but scratchy ones as if the person had a...

"Howard. What the hell are you doing?"

Vince shot upwards pushing Howard away from him. He immediately regretted sitting up so fast. He felt a bit sick.

"You fainted."

"Huh?"

"You fainted. I was giving you mouth to mouth."

"Mouth to mouth?"

Vince's head stopped spinning enough to register what Howard was saying.

"Mouth to mouth! Are you insane? Isn't that for dying people?"

"Well I panicked didn't I."

"Panicked! You had your tongue down my throat."

Howard squirmed and reddened and fidgeted with the neck of his pullover.

Vince softened his glare.

"It's alright Howard, no harm done yeah."

Howard twitched. Overflowing with embarrassment he got up from his knees and shuffled awkwardly away into the stock cupboard.

Still sitting on the floor Vince smiled broadly.

***

And so **it’s no surprise** that Vince spent the next three days pretending to faint.

The first time was in the kitchen area. He had put his hand to his head and called to Howard that he was feeling giddy. Howard had ran out of his bedroom to help him. The trouble was so had Bollo. The large gorilla had practically knocked Howard to the floor in the rush to get to his ‘precious Vince’. It wasn’t the first time Vince had been carried to bed by Bollo, but it was the first time he’d ever been aware of it.

The second time Vince pretended to faint in the bathroom. He knocked shampoo bottles off the shelf as he went down in order to attract Howard’s attention. He lay on the cold tiled floor. Nothing. He repeated, this time taking with him a collection of hairspray and deodorant cans. Still nothing. He tried a final time, yelling out and pulling to the ground with him everything but the sink. He lay totally still for a full five minutes. When Howard still didn’t appear he gave up and tidied the mess. He later found Howard in a jazz trance.

The third time Vince did get Howard’s attention. In fact Howard couldn’t not notice. Vince literally collapsed into the larger man’s arms. The trouble was Howard was still feeling incredibly embarrassed about the first real faint. Vince had after all called him insane. And he felt insane. He had panicked and men of action were never supposed to panic.

So instead of repeating the mouth-to-mouth as Vince had hoped for Howard simply helped his smaller friend to the sofa and fanned him with a cushion. Feeling frustrated by the lack of intimate care Vince had ‘come too’ rather quickly. Howard had put Vince’s sulky mood thereafter down to dehydration.

But **it’s no surprise** that Howard spent the next three days fussing over Vince.

He tried to force feed him sweet tea and jaffa cakes, tried to get him to see a Doctor, tried to send him to bed early every night. Howard also tried to ask Naboo for advice, but Naboo just called him a ballbag.

Vince did enjoy the attention. He played up to it a lot. He applied lighter make-up and less root boost to make himself look a bit peaky. He constantly asked to sit down and rest. He once asked Howard to help him zip up his jumpsuit because he was feeling weak. But getting fretted over just wasn’t the same as getting another kiss.

And so it came to pass that Vince ended up making a new plan, a plan that would appeal to Howard’s sense of duty and procedure and to his ever present desire to follow rules and regulations.

Vince made a instruction pamphlet!

It was called "what to do if someone faints".

Vince was very proud of his creation. Initially he wrote it in crayon but it didn’t look professional enough so he enlisted the help of Leroy and they’d come up with it together on Leroy’s computer. Vince, knowing that Howard was the only one who ever checked for mail, popped the pamphlet through the letterbox late Sunday night so that Monday morning...

**

“Vince, Vince, look at this.”

“Keep it down will ya.”

“But Vince look, it’s a new pamphlet from the government health department and it’s all about fainting.”

“Is it really?”

Vince turned on his hairdryer, feigning disinterest. Secretly though he watched the other man in the mirror.

Howard sat down on the end of Vince’s bed, his tiny eyes scanned backwards and forwards as they poured over the words.

 

**WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE FAINTS.**

**F:** FEEL - pat and feel them to make sure they are not injured (but not the hair because that won't help)  
**A:** AIR - is there enough air around them? If not give them a bit of mouth to mouth.  
**I:** INSIDES - sometimes the persons insides might be going wrong. Undo their shirt and put your ear to their chest to listen to their heart. Also try to listen to their lungs and stomach and kidneys and liver and lungs to check if they are working alright too. You might need to listen really hard and lightly stroke these areas.  
**N:** NUDE - take off their clothes so they cool down. Take yours off too so they don't get embarrassed.  
**T:** TICKLES - sometimes a bit of gentle tickling will help the person to wake up  
**S:** SLEEP - take the person to bed (carry them if you can) and stay with them all night in case they faint again. It's best to hold them in your arms so they feel safe.

 

Howard sprung to his feet and bounded to Vince’s side, prodding his finger at the leaflet. Vince turned off the hairdryer.

“What?”

“Look Vince, I knew I was right, look what it says here, it says to give mouth-to-mouth. I knew it. I knew I’d remembered my training correctly.”

“What training?”

“My special forces training.”

“You were never in the special forces.”

“Not in them exactly no, but I got all the books out of the library.”

Vince rolled his eyes and picked up his straighteners.

“You don’t seem to be taking this seriously little man. This pamphlet says I need to keep a really close eye on you.”

“Does it?”

“Yes, so I think I should stay right by your side for the next day or so, you know, just to be on the safe side.”

**

And Howard didn’t leave Vince’s side at all, (well apart from certain rather personal times).

And Vince continued to stonewall Howard. In fact he affected a slightly irritated manner, brushing off Howard’s attentions with tuts and sighs when really he enjoyed them no end.

But the hardest thing to believe for anyone who knows Vince, (as we all do), is that he managed to show an amazing amount of patience. He bided his time.

And that’s because he wanted it to be the perfect time, the very best time, the time when his hair was looking great and he was wearing the right clothes and when Naboo and Bollo were out.

And that right time turned out to be last Saturday night!

Vince had been rehearsing his 'faint' all day, and finally decided it was best occurring upstairs so that Howard didn't have to carry him too far when he got to 'S' in the pamphlet. He planned to wait in hiding until Howard was in a good spot and then to go up to him all woozy and wobbly before collapsing to the floor. In his mind it sounded perfect, but then with only one brain cell it’s always a bit tricky to get a balanced opinion on such things.

Vince sneaked away from Nabootique a couple of hours early, wanting to give himself enough time in front of the mirror before Howard locked up the shop. He'd heard Howard calling his name as he climbed the stairs but didn't worry too much. It wasn't like this was the first time he'd dodged the close of day procedures.

Once satisfied that his hair was just right and his eye-liner just so Vince set about the more difficult task of selecting an outfit. He'd managed to narrow it down to twenty the day before, but now it was crunch time and he was still slightly unsure. His electric blue mockado kirtle with silver tassels really brought out his eyes, but realistically he knew it would not be the easiest thing for Howard to undo when he got to 'N'. After exactly seventy-two minutes of deliberation he finally settled on a shaped yet simple black shirt with tiny white roses embroidered on the cuffs and collar, and a pair of his favourite crushed velvet trousers. This, he decided, would be perfect for 'I'.

Vince concealed himself in the bathroom with the door slightly open and waited for Howard. He could barely contain his excitement, and when finally the sound of feet ascending the stairs reached him he felt he would faint for real.

"Vince you up here? I could really have done with your help this afternoon you know. Two people came in at once, and it was nearly impossible to explain to one about the benefits of owning a crocheted trumpet sock, whilst at the same time making sure the other didn't mess up the jotterpad maze. I managed quite nicely sir, but..."

Howard trailed off as Vince came teetering towards him from the corridor.

"Vince, what's wrong? Are you OK?"

"I don't feel too good Howard. I feel a bit faint."

As he spoke the word 'faint' Vince fell gracefully to the floor and landed on his back at Howard's feet. He lay there as quiet as he could, the sound of his quickened heartbeat banging in his ears.

Howard didn't move at first. He just stood there staring at Vince on the floor, eyes as wide as they would go and mouth somewhat ajar. Eventually what had happened dawned on him and he started frantically patting down his pockets and searching inside his jacket saying "where is it, where is it, where is it, where is it?"

From the ground Vince risked opening one eye a tiny bit to see what Howard was doing. It was at this moment that Howard suddenly shot into the kitchen finally remembering that he'd placed the pamphlet in the middle of the fridge door underneath a rather large ‘Dog Collar Museum, Maidstone' magnet. Vince could hear him pulling the pamphlet off, dropping the magnet on the floor, bending down to pick it up, dropping the pamphlet on the floor, bending down to pick that up, putting the magnet back on the fridge, dislodging and knocking to the floor some take-away menus, bending down to pick those up, putting those back under a magnet - before finally running back over to Vince and falling to his knees by his side.

Vince held his breath.

Howard laid the pamphlet on the floor and smoothed it out. He then fretted, picked it up again, reread it, recited it, and then laid it back out.

Vince's brain was screaming "hurry up!"

Howard considered 'F' - 'FEEL'. He put his hands out towards Vince but stopped about three inches away. Where should he feel first? Instead of hands he extended his index finger and prodded Vince in the arm. No response. He prodded a bit further up nearer Vince's shoulder. No response. He really didn't think that Vince had injured himself. Maybe he should get on with the next stage.

He grabbed the pamphlet again. This one he knew off by heart but he reread the line just to be sure. 'A' - 'AIR'. Howard looked up at the window and saw that it was open. Still maybe the fresh air couldn't reach Vince all the way down on the floor. He shuffled up a bit closer to Vince's head. He really couldn't tell if Vince was getting enough of 'A' or not. He waved the pamphlet over Vince's face a few times creating a light breeze that did little more than to waft Vince's fringe. Howard thought he might quite like to skip forward again. He hadn't actually cleaned his teeth since lunch and anyway he still wasn't quite clear how mouth-to-mouth worked. All the counting confused him and he was worried he might blow too much air inside Vince and pop a lung. But still mouth-to-mouth had worked once before hadn’t it. He hesitated before bending over Vince. Slowly, ever so slowly he moved in. He puckered his lips. They quivered. Vince waited, anticipation making his tummy knot. He could feel, could sense Howard’s face nearing his own. He wanted to lick his lips in preparation, wanted to swallow, wanted to grab Howard around the neck and pull him in. But he didn’t, he just lay still and waited.

Howard’s lips made the barest of connections before they were whisked away from him. Vince heart sunk a little, that was until he heard Howard speak aloud.

“Vince please wake-up. I don’t know what I’m...I don’t think I can...please little man, help me out here.”

The rustle of paper as Howard picked up the leaflet up again.

He read, ‘'I' - 'INSIDES'.

Howard studied the buttons of Vince's shirt. There were seven of them in total but as usual Vince had only managed to do up three. This at least would be easy for him. Howard leaned in closer and with nervous yet dexterous fingers undid all three buttons. Vince's shirt slid open exposing his chest and waist. The sudden sight of Vince's nipples made Howard feel a bit funny, and he didn't really know why. He sensed a deep kind of eddy in the pit of his stomach, like when Vince stirred his tea really fast to dissolve the sugar as quickly as possible. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling, just one that Howard hadn't really had before. It surprised him somewhat.

He put his attention back onto his patient and tried to work out what to do next. The pamphlet said to listen to his heart but he was scared he might catch some germs off of Vince if he was to actually lay his head on him. Who knew what Vince was actually sick from? He wondered for a moment if maybe the crack fox had passed on a disease to him somehow. He looked again at Vince's chest. It didn't look diseased, but then... All of a sudden he had an idea and Howard jumped up and ran to the kitchen a second time. He rifled through the drawers and cupboards until he came across what he was looking for, a small plastic funnel. He ran back to Vince's side and put the narrow funnel end into his own ear, laid the large opened end against Vince and proceeded to work his way up and down Vince's body. All sounded in good order. He thought he'd pass on the 'lightly stroke' bit.

'N' - 'NUDE'. Oh dear. Howard wasn't sure what to make of this rule. It wasn't very clear how nude. After all there was three kind of nudes in Howard's book; swimwear nude, underwear nude and birthday suit nude. He just didn't think the pamphlet meant birthday suit nude. What if this had happened at a jazz festival or in Topshop? You wouldn't want to go all birthday suit nude then would you? And Howard didn't think swimwear nude was applicable in this situation. It must mean underwear nude then. Howard was fine with that. It wasn't uncommon for Vince and Howard to share times in their underwear together, especially when Howard came back from the shops with a netted-bag of satsumas. He stood and quickly stripped down to his pants and vest. He then removed Vince's boots before moving to hover over Vince's trouser zip. Hmmm?! It was all very well seeing Vince in his pants, but actually undoing the trousers in order to get there suddenly felt like a massive invasion of Vince's privacy. He decided to leave Vince as he was for the moment, bootless and bare chested. Surely that would be enough to cool him down for now.

'T' - 'TICKLE'. This had always struck Howard as the weirdest rule in the pamphlet. Who liked being tickled? Nobody! He'd always thought perhaps this was a spelling error. That it should read 'T' - 'TINCTURE' or 'T' - 'TICKET' or something, but then the explanation wouldn't make sense would it? Not convinced Howard stood up and rushed back to the kitchen for a third time. He pulled a feather duster out from under the sink.

Vince couldn’t keep the act up the moment the feathers brushed his skin. He giggled immediately and opened his eyes. Howard's expression was priceless.

"It worked!"

Vince couldn’t help but smile. This big lovable dope of a man actually thought the tickling rule had brought him around. Vince smiled wider.

"Are you OK Vince? You fainted again. I followed the instructions in the pamphlet. I wasn't sure I'd done them all properly but you've woken up. How do you feel?"

Vince held his head feigning a headache and dizziness. He gave Howard his most doe-eyed expression from underneath his fringe.

"I'm OK but did you do ALL the rules Howard?"

Howard looked down at his hands sheepishly.

"Yeah Vince, all but one."

"Which one?"

"The last one, 'S' - 'SLEEP'."

"Actually Howard I do feel very sleepy. Maybe you should do that last rule after all."

"Can you walk?"

"I don't think so Howard. My legs feel all kind of jellyish."

Howard bent down and wrapped his arms around Vince's back and underneath his legs. Although a little awkward in his movements he lifted Vince off the ground with ease. Vince put his arms around Howard's neck.

"Thanks Howard."

"What for?"

"For making me feel better."

Howard beamed.

"Well I'm a well trained man Vince. It's pays to be prepared. Some laugh in the face of rules but rules are there to help us, to keep us safe, to save us from dangers."

"To cure someone of fainting?"

"Exactly Vince. I know you thought it silly when that pamphlet turned up but I knew that one day it would come in handy."

"Howard?"

"Yes Vince?"

"Can we please do 'S' now. I am very tired."

"Sure thing little man."

"Oh and Howard?"

"Yes Vince?"

"Do you mind if I take my trousers off? I feel ever so hot all of a sudden!"

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh and all related characters of course belong to Noel and Julian, Dave and Rich and Mike. We love them and we hope they don't mind us messing with them in some very peculiar ways. No money is being made from this effort.


End file.
